My Funny Valentine
by Almost an Actress
Summary: Derpy Hooves just doesn't get it. Why is everypony so mean to her? It feels like the only pony who understands her is her best friend, and sometimes beau, Big Macintosh. Maybe her misguided eyes will find love? (Based off of Dean Martin's "Funny Valentine." I OWN NOTHING but the story!)


"_My funny valentine. Sweet comic valentine."_

_XXX_

A prissy light blue unicorn mare sauntered down the streets of Ponyville, smirking at this and that. She had lavender eyes, a sky blue pelt, and a snowflake-white mane. She looked off to her side and sneered at an orange country pony selling her wares like a dirty peddler. _Hah!_ she thought snootily. _What a hick. What a hayseed. A simpleton. _The rude thoughts brought a grin full of malice to her face.

She had an idea.

She trotted over to the stand and pasted on a "sincere" smile. "Hi there!" she squealed perkily. "My name is Crystal!"

"Well, howdy, ma'am," the country pony replied with a huge grin. "Mah name is Applejack, but you can call me AJ if it pleases ya. What're ya here for?" Her mostly-calm demeanor shattered then. "We're got-" Applejack took in a huge swig of a breath. "Apple fritters, apple pies, caramel apples, apple dumplings, apple crisps, candied apples, frosted apples, applesauce, creamed apples, apple pastry bars, apple cakes, apple cobblers, apple crumbles, apple strudels, apple cookies, apple squares, and just plain ol' fashioned apples!" She heaved for breath for about two minutes, and then looked up at Crystal. "Well, Miss Crystal, that's the entire menu!"

The prissy mare was taken aback. "Wow. That's a lot of… apples." Crystal shook her head. "I'll just go for an… apple square," she said, struggling to remember the speedily recited menu.

"That's it?" Applejack looked slightly disappointed, but brightened again. "Well, a purchase is a purchase, right?" She retrieved a delicious-looking apple square and held it out in her hoof. "Should ah bag it up fer ya?"

"No, thank you," Crystal said politely. She took the pastry and held in disdainfully in her hoof.

"That'll be three bits, Miss Cry-"

Applejack's words were cut off by Crystal's shrill shriek. "EEEEEEEEUUUUUWWWWW!" she screamed. "THERE'S A WORM IN THIS APPLE SQUARE!" She dropped the square pastry on the ground and stamped it into dusty oblivion. "Ew! Ew! Ew!" Her yelling and hollering was drawing a small crowd.

Mutters of, "A worm?" "That's disgusting!" and "How could Applejack let a worm in her food?!" came rebounding across the now-growing crowd.

Applejack looked stressed and shocked. "But-but," she stammered, "ah was sure that ah baked 'em right! There's no way-" She was cut off by accusations and glares.

Crystal smirked and sauntered away, quietly murmuring, "My work here is done." She looked for more trouble to cause, but before she could, a large, ungainly, gray-feathered blob hit her with the force of a train. Crystal was knocked flat to the ground, with her cumbersome attacker on top of her, breathing its muffin-smelling breath loudly into her face. "GET OFF ME!" Crystal shrieked.

The clumsy assailant turned out to be a Pegasus. Crystal took in her heather-pelt, her golden-honey walleyed stare, and her wide smile. "I just don't know what went wrong!" the Pegasus burst out gleefully. She stood up and dusted herself off with her wings. "Sorry about that," she grinned. Sticking out a hoof, she added, "I'm Derpy Hooves."

"I DON'T CARE, YOU UNGAINLY THING!" Crystal screeched. She let out an "UGH!" and galloped away to do more misdeeds.

Derpy just stood there, her golden eyes welling with tears. She didn't even know what "ungainly" meant, but she had a feeling it was mean. Everypony was always so mean to her. Why? She puzzled this as much as her murky brain would allow before her short attention span caught hold of her.

Wait… what was she thinking about?

_Ungainly,_ her brain reminded her. _How it's a mean word. At least… I think. Maybe that mare was being nice. Wait… what does ungainly mean? Wait… what? What was I thinking about?_ Shaking her head, Derpy cleared her muddled thoughts and forgot about the encounter, happily, if not a bit klutzily, taking to the skies once more.

XXX

Twinkleshine trotted down the dirt road at dusk, lifting an aching from hoof and wiping her sweaty brow. It had been at the flower shop! She and her best friend, Carrot Top, had been working for fifteen hours, never sitting once! Suddenly, she heard a fluttering behind her, and a random burst of inappropriately loud laughter.

_Oh, no. _

_ Oh, Celestia no. _

She broke into a full-on gallop and dashed along the road as fast as she could, wanting to scream. In fact, she did. "GET AWAY!" she shrieked. Her blood ran cold in her veins as a burst of warm breath bubbled in her ear. With a whimper, she put on another shock of speed. The relentless pursuer came after her, its sharp front hooves digging into her back. With a wail of pain, she tripped over a protruding rock and landed with her attacker on top of her. She found herself staring into a pair of golden eyes, one looking down into her face, and the other looking up at the sky.

"HI, TWINKIE-SHINE!" her attacker said loudly, digging her front hooves into Twinkleshine's soft fur.

"Um… hello, Derpy," Twinkleshine managed. "Would you please get off me? Please?"

"Oh, sorry. Just don't know what went wrong!" Derpy sang, and jumped off, taking to the skies quicker than usual. What Twinkleshine didn't notice as she limped away was that Derpy's eyes were filled with tears.

She needed to talk to Big Macintosh!

She zoomed between the dark trees, crashing into branches that whipped her fur and left stinging welts. Flying low, her hooves filled with prickles and burrs. Finally, she limped on to Sweet Apple Acres and into the barn, where she was sure to find him.

Her true love.


End file.
